so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
