just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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