I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dicks are not precious.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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