She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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