I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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