I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dicks are not precious.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
