FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
