somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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