Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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