Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
