i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
