i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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