All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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