1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
