chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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