Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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