remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
