Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
