I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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