is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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