Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
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When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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