I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
