I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Plan B is the new Plan A
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
