I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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