I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
