I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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