so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I deserve this hangover.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
