this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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