dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
