Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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