That's when you crack a 10am beer
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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