i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
