I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
