I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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