i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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