Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
