i was born a porn star she said
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
