well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
