I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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