Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
