No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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