The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
