Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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