hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
