my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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