I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
