apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
