She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
