It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
