note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
