it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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