Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
