At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize