dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
