Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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